How to Support a Loved One Who’s Trying to Get Pregnant: Advice from a Doula

When you’re focused on preventing pregnancy, it’s easy to forget how challenging it can be for those trying to conceive. If you haven’t been on that journey yourself, you might not know much about what it’s really like, since it’s not a topic that’s often openly discussed. Maybe you’ve seen it portrayed in TV shows or movies, where couples time everything perfectly, track temperatures, and even have intimate moments at parties. While this makes for dramatic TV, it doesn’t capture the full reality of trying to conceive (TTC), which can be a lengthy and sometimes complicated process involving many steps and people.

Globally, around 1 in 6 people face infertility at some point in their lives. In the U.S., about 40% of people will need some form of help to get pregnant, such as fertility medications, treatments to unblock reproductive organs, or assisted reproductive technologies like IVF or IUI. Despite how common it is, the process of trying to conceive, along with its challenges, is rarely talked about openly. If you want to support someone on this journey, it can sometimes be hard to know where to start, but your support can make a big difference, especially for people of color who often face greater barriers to accessing fertility treatments. Here are some ways you can show up for your loved one:

1. Ask how you can help.
   Everyone’s experience with TTC is unique, and they may need different kinds of support. If you’re unsure what they need, simply ask. And be ready to suggest ways you can help, which is what the rest of these tips will cover.
2. Validate their emotions.
   The emotional rollercoaster that comes with trying to conceive can be intense and mixed. Whether they’ve been trying for a few months or much longer, their feelings are real. Be sure to listen without judgment, acknowledge their emotions, and offer empathy and comfort.
3. Help them set up self-care routines.
   Trying to conceive can be exhausting both physically and emotionally. Help your loved one create self-care plans that focus on replenishing their energy. This might include simple pleasures like watching their favorite movies or more intentional practices like gratitude rituals or body care routines, especially after difficult moments like a negative test result or an unexpected setback. If you’re part of the TTC journey, make sure you also carve out time for your own self-care.
4. Avoid certain questions and comments.
   Questions like “Are you pregnant yet?” or “Have you tried [insert advice]?” can feel intrusive and dismissive of their experience. Even though people mean well, comments like “It’ll happen when you stop thinking about it” can be unhelpful and hurtful. It’s best to avoid these kinds of remarks, as they don’t support the emotional needs of someone going through this process.
5. Offer to help with research and referrals.
   There’s so much to learn when trying to conceive, from tracking ovulation to exploring medical options and financial resources. It can be overwhelming to sort through it all alone. Offer to help by researching specific topics or finding resources like fertility grants or support groups. Helping them narrow down information can lift a huge mental load.
6. Join them for provider visits.
   Physically being there can mean a lot. If they’re comfortable with it, accompany them to doctor’s appointments. You can help by taking notes, asking questions they might not have thought of, and providing emotional support during or after the visit.
7. Respect their boundaries.
   Everyone on the TTC journey has different sensitivities. They might not want to attend baby showers, talk about their struggles, or see pregnancy-related pictures from others. Their feelings may change over time, so check in with them, offer open invitations, and respect their needs, whether it’s space or connection.
8. Celebrate the milestones, big and small.
   The TTC journey can be filled with ups and downs, but even small victories are worth celebrating. Whether it’s positive news or simply making it through another tough week, be there to help them acknowledge their progress and find joy in the little moments.
9. Know when to suggest additional support.
   Sometimes, your support might not be enough. If you feel they need more specialized help, like therapy or fertility doula support, gently suggest these options. Being part of a supportive community of people who understand the struggles of TTC can help combat feelings of isolation and offer additional resources.

Your support can make a world of difference, so make sure to check in with your loved one and find ways to help them feel understood and cared for throughout their journey.