Sex When You’re Feeling Down: A Low-Energy Guide to Enjoying Pleasure
Sex has always been my favorite part of life—whether it’s enjoying it, talking about it, or reading about it. I think it’s one of the coolest aspects of being human. So, I was pretty concerned when I noticed I was losing interest in masturbation and didn’t have the usual drive to seek out pleasure the way I once did. Even things like tasty meals weren’t as exciting.
When my therapist, who I was seeing for anxiety, told me that this loss of interest in pleasure, also known as “anhedonia,” could be a sign of depression, I was confused. It didn’t seem to match my idea of what depression looked like, but as I learned more, I realized that a lack of interest in things that normally bring pleasure is a common symptom. For me, losing enthusiasm for things like deep-fried food and orgasms was a huge warning sign.
As I worked with my therapist to understand and manage my depression, I also created a toolkit to help me find pleasure again, even when my desires looked different or were harder to access. I realized that my sex drive wasn’t gone, but my cravings for it, and the joy it once brought me, were less immediate.
Everyone experiences desire in their own way, so I’m sharing my low-energy pleasure toolkit in hopes it might help you find what works for you.
The Low-Energy Pleasure Toolkit
- Find Your Comfort Zone What kinds of pleasures are easy to access and satisfying for you? When you’re feeling down, it’s easy to forget what pleasure even feels like. Take a moment to reflect and jot down the things that have brought you joy in the past, especially those things that felt grounding or comforting.
For me, some of my go-to pleasures include: (1) snuggling naked with my partner while watching a movie, (2) using a vibrator while reading erotica, and (3) having missionary sex with my partner while sharing fantasies. These things feel comfortable and are easy for me to engage in when my energy is low. Other activities I love, like planning a scene with role-play and bondage, or watching porn, require more energy, so I tend to avoid them when I’m not feeling my best. Having a few “comfort zone” activities helps me figure out what I might be in the mood for.
- Invite, Don’t Pressure I used to be a big fan of to-do lists—they gave me a sense of organization and a rush every time I crossed something off. But when my energy and pleasure started slipping, my to-do list felt more like a reminder of everything I wasn’t accomplishing. That’s when I decided to try something new. Instead of focusing on tasks I had to complete, I created a list of “awesome options.” It sounded cheesy at first, but it really worked.
Instead of pressuring myself, I gave myself options—like “movie snuggle time,” “masturbate,” or “tater tots.” This approach reminded me that I could opt in at any time, taking away some of the guilt and helping me keep my interest in pleasure alive, even when it feels muted.
- Set Aside Time for Pleasure I didn’t realize how much my busy schedule had crowded out the time I used to set aside for sex—either solo or with my partner. Back when I had more energy, I would go to bed early just so I could masturbate. Now, without that same drive, I needed to make time for it again. I found that even when I didn’t feel like having sex, simply holding space for it—making time for it—helped me reconnect with my desires. Sometimes I still didn’t want to, and that’s okay. But over time, I learned to check in with myself regularly, without shame, and let myself choose what felt right in the moment.
My partner and I now check in with each other about our interest in sex during snuggling or kissing, without any pressure. I’ve also made masturbation a regular part of my bedtime routine. If I don’t feel like it, I let myself opt out, which helps me better understand my patterns and behavior.
- Be Prepared Having everything ready can make it easier to opt into pleasure when you feel like it. Keep your favorite vibrator charged and nearby, have condoms on hand, and make sure any other essentials are easily accessible. For me, that means having my Hitachi Magic Wand on my bedside table, next to my lube, and keeping my laptop and earbuds close in case I decide to watch porn. This way, if I decide to go for it, I don’t lose momentum while setting things up.
- Be Kind to Yourself—Opting Out Is Not a Failure Remember, an invitation is only an invitation if it’s truly optional. If you don’t feel like going through with it, that’s just a sign that you’re listening to your body. When I’m not in the mood, I’ve learned to honor that choice. I’ve also developed a few phrases I use with myself or my partner to communicate my lack of interest:
- “The moment has passed for me.”
- “I’m not interested right now.”
- “It makes me happy that you want to have sex, but I’m not there right now. Keep inviting me.”
- “I know you won’t take it personally when I say no, so it feels okay to decline.”
Desire will ebb and flow throughout your life, and that’s perfectly normal. I hope this toolkit can help you find ways to keep pleasure close and accessible, even when things feel low.
Lou Forrester is a transgender health advocate with a background in supporting transgender patients in healthcare settings.
