How to Discuss Your Polyamorous Relationship with Your Healthcare Provider

I’ve been practicing consensual non-monogamy for over 15 years, and during that time, I’ve had to come out as poly to various healthcare providers—psychiatrists, therapists, primary care doctors, surgeons, and nurse practitioners. I’m fortunate to live in a progressive area and not be concerned with others’ judgments, but when I was a military spouse, the idea of bringing it up would have been intimidating.

Whether you’re newly poly and discussing it with a long-time healthcare provider, or you’ve been poly for a while and have a new doctor, talking about your relationship style or sexual practices can feel uncomfortable. However, it’s important for your health provider to understand your lifestyle so they can give you the best care based on your specific risks and behaviors.

Keep in mind that in rural areas, it may be harder to find supportive, nonjudgmental care than in more urban settings. However, healthcare providers are bound by HIPAA laws, so even if they react poorly, they are still required to keep your information confidential. If you’re worried about being outed, rest assured that they can’t share your private information with anyone without facing serious consequences, including career jeopardy. So, even if you’re in a small town, your provider cannot gossip about your personal life.

Here are a few tips for coming out to your healthcare provider as polyamorous:

1. Be sure you need to have the conversation.
   Before you start, think about whether discussing your polyamory is necessary for your care. Do you currently have multiple sexual partners? Do you need an STI test due to a new partner? Are you concerned about how to protect yourself from potential health risks involving one of your partners? If you’re identifying as poly but not currently practicing non-monogamy, you might not need to have this conversation just yet. But if it will come up eventually, it may be easier to bring it up sooner rather than later.
2. Decide if you want to stick with your current provider or find a new one.
   If you’ve been seeing the same healthcare provider for years, coming out as poly can have its advantages and challenges. You might already know how your provider reacts to sensitive topics, or you may be unsure about how they will respond. It can be more difficult to have a tough conversation with someone you’ve known for a long time, and the fear of rejection can make it feel high-stakes. On the other hand, if you need to find a new provider, try to look for someone who has experience with polyamory, works with poly clients, or at least maintains an open, poly-friendly approach.
3. Talk about your behaviors, not just your identity.
   Polyamory can mean different things to different people. Instead of labeling yourself, focus on the behaviors that are relevant to your healthcare needs. For example, mention how many sexual partners you have, their gender, if you’re using barriers or other safer sex practices, or anything else that impacts your health. This approach can help your provider understand your situation more clearly without jumping to conclusions.
4. Prepare a script and rehearse it.
   Writing a short script of what you want to say can help ease your nerves. Here’s an example of something you might say:

“Dr. X, I want you to know that I currently (or may in the future) have multiple sexual partners. My partners have X genitalia. I use/not use a barrier method with these partners (or I use barriers with X partner and not Y partner). I’m telling you this so we can discuss any risks related to my sexual health.”

Then, practice saying it aloud, either with a friend, partner, or just by yourself. Rehearsing what you want to say can help you feel more confident and prepared.

5. Know when to walk away.
   If your provider reacts negatively or judgmentally, it’s okay to consider finding a new one. If they are simply unaware of what polyamory is, you can decide whether you want to educate them or find someone more experienced in polyamory. It can be a frustrating process, but finding a healthcare provider who respects your relationship and sexual life is well worth it in the long run.

Taking these steps to ensure you can have honest conversations about your sexual and romantic life with your provider will ultimately help you feel more supported in your healthcare journey.