Is Giving Your Partner an Ultimatum the Right Move?

Inspired by a show that we can’t quite stop watching, we’re diving into the question on many minds: should you give your partner an ultimatum? (SPOILER ALERT) Most of the couples on The Ultimatum didn’t have the outcomes they hoped for. Sure, Madlyn and Colby, and Lauren and Nate ended up together, but we can’t really call those relationships successful in good conscience. So, what does this mean for you if you’re thinking of giving an ultimatum in your own relationship? Here are some things to consider before going down that road:

1. You might be cornering yourself
   The idea behind an ultimatum is to limit your partner’s options, pushing them to choose between marriage or breaking up, instead of leaving them with multiple choices (stay as is, get married, or end things). The hope is that by taking away the option of staying together unmarried, your partner will choose marriage to avoid breaking up.

However, by giving an ultimatum, you’re limiting your own options too. If your partner isn’t ready to marry, you’ll be left with two choices: follow through with the breakup or stay in the relationship without marriage, possibly after revealing that you were bluffing. If you’re ready to deal with either of those outcomes, great—but if not, consider carefully what you might be getting yourself into.

2. It can set a bad tone for negotiations in your relationship
   Ultimatums aren’t the healthiest way to communicate needs. We get it—it’s tempting to use a threat when you feel like your partner isn’t taking you seriously. But ask yourself: do you want to be in a relationship where you get what you want by threatening to withdraw your love and affection, or vice versa? It sounds like a stressful way to live.
3. Know your BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement)
   BATNA refers to your best option if the deal falls through. If your second-best option after marriage is to leave and find someone else, then giving an ultimatum might be fine. But, if your true alternative is staying with your partner unmarried, then an ultimatum doesn’t really make sense. Make sure you’re clear about your own options before issuing one.
4. Is it really that urgent?
   Unless there’s some specific situation telling you that you absolutely must get married this year (like a curse placed by a witch), ask yourself if marriage is truly as urgent as you think. Especially if you’re young, like most of the people on The Ultimatum, and you’ve only been together for a couple of years. Take a breath and enjoy your relationship and your life without feeling pressured by a deadline.
5. Marriage isn’t the solution to your life problems
   Yes, marriage comes with practical benefits, like legal status, changing how people see your relationship, and potentially providing financial security. But ask yourself if these practical benefits are your real goal, or if you’re letting yourself get caught up in romantic ideas of marriage as a fix for all your problems. Marriage won’t solve career issues, make your friends more supportive, or fix relationship problems. It’s not a cure-all.