Polyamory and Open Relationships: Is Ethical Non-Monogamy Right for You?

You’ve probably heard a lot about polyamory and open relationships, but what exactly does ethical non-monogamy (ENM) mean, and how does it all fit together? We asked Dr. Dulcinea Pitagora, a psychotherapist and sex therapist from NYC, to give us the lowdown on these topics, and help us understand when to consider trying them out—and when to steer clear.

What’s the difference between polyamory, open relationships, and ethical non-monogamy?

You might have heard the terms polyamory or open relationships thrown around, but not necessarily ethical non-monogamy (ENM). According to Dr. Pitagora, both polyamory and open relationships fall under the broader umbrella of consensual non-monogamy (CNM) or ethical non-monogamy. These terms are often used interchangeably. Simply put, ENM means not being in a monogamous relationship, but doing it in a way that’s respectful and consensual. In contrast, cheating would be an example of unethical non-monogamy, where the parties involved are not aware or do not consent to what’s happening.

As for the difference between polyamory and open relationships, Dr. Pitagora says there’s a lot of overlap. Polyamorous relationships usually go beyond just the physical and include emotional connections with multiple partners, while open relationships are typically more focused on a primary relationship, with other relationships being more casual. However, it all depends on the individuals involved, and what works for them.

When should you consider trying ENM?

There’s no “should” when it comes to relationships—if it feels right for you, that’s what matters most. Some people might instinctively feel that ENM is right for them, while others might consider it when there’s a mismatch in desires or sexual preferences within their current relationship. According to Dr. Pitagora, it’s important that both partners are self-aware, good communicators, and able to handle conflict in a healthy way. The best time to open up a relationship, she says, is when it’s already stable.

When should you NOT try ENM?

If you’re not interested in it, don’t feel pressured into trying it. ENM is not a fix for relationship problems—if you’re struggling, it’s not the solution. Dr. Pitagora advises against starting ENM during times of high stress or when emotional, physical, or mental resources are stretched thin. If you’re already stretched too thin, adding more demands to your relationship might not be the best idea.

What challenges might come up?

Dr. Pitagora explains that the biggest challenges in ENM are not really about the relationship structure itself. The number one issue is communication. Whether you’re in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship, poor communication is the biggest threat. It’s important to speak up when something’s bothering you, but to do so from a place of vulnerability, not anger. This is true in all types of relationships—romantic, family, or friendships.

What should you and your partner discuss beforehand?

Before diving into ENM, talk about boundaries and safety. Setting clear rules is essential, especially when changing the structure of your relationship. Be upfront with each other about what you do and don’t want. For example, if you’re okay with sex but not kissing, or if you want to go on dates but not have sex, that’s totally fine—what matters is that both of you are in agreement. Make sure to communicate frequently to check in on how things are going and adjust if necessary.

When it comes to safety, both you and your partner should get tested for STIs before and after any new sexual encounters. Always use protection, like condoms or dental dams, to reduce the risk of STIs.

What makes an ENM relationship successful?

For an ENM relationship to thrive, Dr. Pitagora says it helps to have clearly defined roles and expectations for each partner, the ability to express your needs and desires, a willingness to negotiate and compromise, and an effort to avoid making assumptions about your partner’s desires or capabilities. It’s not easy, but with good communication and mutual respect, it’s possible to create a successful ENM relationship.

The key to success in any relationship—monogamous or not—is communication, understanding, and respect for each other’s needs.