What to Do When Your Ex Suddenly Reappears

Hearing from an ex you haven’t spoken to in a while can stir up a mix of emotions—anger, sadness, curiosity, excitement, fear, or even joy. It can feel like an emotional jolt, especially if the breakup was messy or if it ended when you didn’t want it to. If you’re unsure how to handle the situation, here are five questions to help guide your response.

1. Were they abusive during the relationship?
This is the most important question to ask yourself. If there was any form of abuse—whether emotional, physical, or otherwise—the best choice is usually not to engage at all. If you do respond, keep your answers brief and direct, such as saying, “I’m not interested in reconnecting,” rather than leaving any room for ambiguity. If your ex has narcissistic tendencies, it’s especially important to avoid giving them any opportunity to manipulate you.

2. What do they want from you?
Some people reach out to manipulate your feelings for their own benefit, with no intention of giving you what you need in return. If you’re unsure about their motives, the best approach is to ask them directly. This will give you a clearer idea of what they want, so you can decide how to proceed.

3. Are you truly over the breakup?
Getting over a breakup isn’t always straightforward, and it’s okay if you haven’t fully moved on yet. But, if you’re still working through it, ask yourself whether talking to your ex will help you move on or just make it harder.

4. Do you want them in your life?
If you do, that’s great, and it seems they might want the same. But if you don’t, it might be best to either ignore their message or respond in a way that clearly signals you’re not interested in continuing the conversation.

5. Do you both want to get back together?
If the answer is yes, then that’s fantastic! If you both feel the same way, go ahead and explore where this could lead. But if you’re unsure or you’re not interested, it’s important to be honest with yourself and with them about where you stand.

Navigating this situation can be tricky, but taking the time to ask yourself these questions can help you make a decision that’s right for you.