What to Do When You’re Not Satisfied with Your Sex Life
It’s completely normal to go through periods when your sex life isn’t as fulfilling as you’d like it to be. There are lots of reasons this can happen, whether it’s because one of you wants more sex than the other, you’re not having the kind of sex you want, you’re too tired for sex, or things just feel a little boring in the bedroom.
Think about it this way: in the U.S., the average person starts having sex around age 17. If the average life expectancy is around 77, that’s roughly 60 years of sex—which is a long time! So, it makes sense that there will be ups and downs. However, that doesn’t make it any less frustrating when things aren’t going well. Here are a few steps to help you work through it:
- Get comfortable talking about it
If your relationship has been easy and sex has been great up until now, you might not have had to talk much about your sex life beyond the basics like consent and STI prevention. But when things aren’t going well, it’s essential to talk about it. It might feel awkward at first, especially if you’re not used to these kinds of conversations, but there’s no way around it. If you want things to improve, you’ll need to be honest about what you want. - Consider seeing a sex therapist
If you’re having trouble communicating or if your conversations haven’t been productive, seeing a sex therapist can be incredibly helpful. Whether you go alone, with your partner, or both, having a professional to guide the conversation can make a big difference. They can help uncover the reasons behind your dissatisfaction and offer practical advice. If you’re looking for a therapist, you can find a good one through the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT). - Focus on yourself
Take some time to reconnect with what feels good for you. If you’re feeling frustrated with your sex life, it might be hard to get in the mood for solo sex, but taking care of your own needs is a great way to get back in touch with what makes you feel good. Reminding yourself that you deserve to feel pleasure will set a solid foundation for both your individual and shared experiences. - Look for underlying causes
Sometimes, issues with sex aren’t as simple as they seem. What might feel like rejection from your partner could actually be related to their own body image concerns. On the other hand, you might not be in the mood for sex not because you’re not attracted to your partner, but because you feel the workload at home is unfairly divided. Digging deeper into these feelings can help clarify what’s going on. - Stay open-minded
The causes of your dissatisfaction might not be what you think, and the solutions might not look like what you expect either. Keeping an open mind—about the root causes and your role in them—will help you move toward a solution more effectively. By staying flexible, you can find the right path to improving your sex life.
By addressing these issues head-on, you can get back on track to having the fulfilling sex life you deserve.
